Soo....

obviously it has been a while. it doesn't really feel like the last post was two months ago but i suppose that it was. i don't really have an excuse as to why i haven't been blogging. i guess the main reason is lack of motivation. i have zero motivation to do anything. work consumes all my energy; that is a very sad thing to admit but honestly it's true. as my birthday approaches this year i'm beginning to feel that i have made so many mistakes in the order i let my life go. i see those around me married, getting married, having children, graduating college, creating a sustainable future for themselves. and still here i sit, time never slowing, age always continuing i'm in the same place that i was at the tender age of 18. progress has plateaued... if there was ever any actual progress made. basically my future feels like it has been stuck in a rut for far too long. i have been reminiscing lately and realized how much of my future i let slide through my fingers in hopes of holding onto something that just wasn't working. i denied myself so many opportunities to better my life. i have the excuse of being young, naive, and stupid but do allow myself to do that again. it's time i buck up and face that i need to work on MY future. i need to stop finding excuses to put it off. my age says i'm an adult so hell i better start acting like one.
despite how dreadful this sounds, my dear friends, i am actually quite happy. i have amazing, loving, and supportive friends who have kept me lifted these past few months. they're there reminding me that there is a light at the end of this dark path.
school is actually in sight now after so long being just out of my reach. my resolution to never make the same mistake twice is holding strong. after years of denying myself the future i deserve, i'm taking the steps to make it the best future possible. letting myself be whole again after so long of pretending that i didn't feel. letting go of the past that weighs so heavily on my heart...

finally, i will be free.

when things fall apart, sometimes all you can do is cry...

well...

ballet trip=fail.
not everything i wanted it to be.
at least the girls were fun to be around.
just the performance was nothing knowing what it could have been.
my mother might take me to a local performance because
she feels bad. maybe sleeping beauty or belaro. i'm a little excited.

current happenings.
i work. i work. i work. ALL the bloody time.
some days i want to stop working all together.
other days i don't even mind it.

i rarely sleep. i'm like a zombie sometimes.

i need more time to dance, now that i can go back.

monroe injured his leg but it doesn't seem too serious
i'm really hoping that it's just a muscle tear, only time will tell.

started my application for school. i just have to get some transcript
information before i can submit it.

i still want to quit life and go snowboarding everyday. hopefully i can
go again soon.

that's it. nothing too exciting happening but things are happening.

it's that time again...

thursday i am leaving again for a few days. 

where you wonder?

i'm off to sunny califorina to see the ballet again. 

i cannot wait!

it's going to be amazing. 

last year was perfect but this year it's going to be 

so much better. 

better seats. 

better weather. 

and i haven't seen an actual ballet since august. 

that's disgraceful. 

if you can't tell i'm stoked. 

be back in few

farewell slc.

Influences

so my buddy robert and his lovely sister marissa are currently traveling in Australia, the lucky dogs. on their awesome blog see here they both made a list of 100 hundred people that have influenced their lives. after reading their posts i was shocked to realize that i have never thought how much others have shaped me into who i am. whether it was intentional or with out even meaning to so many people have molded me into the person i see in the mirror. i have created my own list of one hundred people; these people are the ones who have guided, helped, even hurt me. they may not even know the affect that they have had one me. some of these people are dead, some i don't EVER want to speak to again, some i cannot stand, but they are all important. as i was writing down names i was amazed at some of the names that came to my head. so here it goes.

• Adelle Thompson
• Alexis Metcalf
• Ally Gertsch
• Amanda Newman
• Andy Munoz
• Anna Metcalf
• Annie Leibovitz
• Anthony Shewmake
• Ashley
• Barbara Etchel
• Barbara Venema
• Bella Bravo
• Betty Shiflett
• Bill Judy
• Brent Roberts
• Brian Mills
• Bryan Lee
• Camille Sparks
• Carlee Shiflett
• Caryl Blanchard
• Casey McPhee
• Cassie Merkley
• Chad Green
• Chase Myrick
• Cindy Metcalf
• David Wickens
• Dean Metcalf
• DeWayne Lyman
• Diane Munk
• Dona Brown
• Elbert Brown
• Elliot Wilson
• Felicia Fuller
• Gwen Kenis
• Heather Barney
• Indra Gines
• Jake Gamangasso
• James Hutichson
• Jen Blanchard
• Jenna Dilworth
• Jessica Oliphant
• Jillian Dahlen
• Jordan Ford
• Josiel Lopez
• Judy Olphant
• Julia Cannon
• Juliet Dowdle
• Kim Castro
• Kimber Mills
• Kory Shilling
• Kristine Dawson
• Lana Beck
• Linda Hutchison
• Lindsey Weber
• Lionel Williams
• Lusiano Pasillas
• Makeda Trujillo
• Mallori Metcalf
• Mandy Williams
• Marcia Metcalf
• Max Crebs
• Mayralilia Vaca
• Megan Loveless
• Michael Fitzgerald
• Michael Gallegos
• Michael Sanders
• Michelle Armstrong
• Michelle Player
• Morgan Oviatt
• Mrs. Ketteor
• Ms. Murdock
• Natali Baker
• Natalie Knudsen
• Nate Bullock
• Norma Metcalf
• Pat Hayes
• Rachel De La Cruz
• Richard Metcalf
• Robert Weeks
• Robin Rowley
• Rose
• Ruth Robertson
• Sam Smith
• Samantha Rodarte
• Samuel Chillin
• Samuel Riaz
• Sandy Beck
• Sarah Williams
• Scott Adam
• Scott Porter
• Shaylynn Davis
• Shirley Greene
• Stefany Seitz
• Summer Andrews
• Susan Gertsch
• Sydney Seitz
• Teisa Bullock
• Tom Hayes
• Veronica Geddes
• Zues

So this list may have people on it that may shock some of you, believe me they shocked me as well. But everyone deserves a spot due to how much the have changed or kept me the same. i am extremely grateful for each experience that i have had with these individuals.
i am also going to allow for those of you who wish to know why you are on the list the freedom to ask away.
megarina18@gmail.com

ps. i was in a car accident today. go team megan.
might blog about it later.
might not.
super embarrassed.