obviously it has been a while. it doesn't really feel like the last post was two months ago but i suppose that it was. i don't really have an excuse as to why i haven't been blogging. i guess the main reason is lack of motivation. i have zero motivation to do anything. work consumes all my energy; that is a very sad thing to admit but honestly it's true. as my birthday approaches this year i'm beginning to feel that i have made so many mistakes in the order i let my life go. i see those around me married, getting married, having children, graduating college, creating a sustainable future for themselves. and still here i sit, time never slowing, age always continuing i'm in the same place that i was at the tender age of 18. progress has plateaued... if there was ever any actual progress made. basically my future feels like it has been stuck in a rut for far too long. i have been reminiscing lately and realized how much of my future i let slide through my fingers in hopes of holding onto something that just wasn't working. i denied myself so many opportunities to better my life. i have the excuse of being young, naive, and stupid but do allow myself to do that again. it's time i buck up and face that i need to work on MY future. i need to stop finding excuses to put it off. my age says i'm an adult so hell i better start acting like one.
despite how dreadful this sounds, my dear friends, i am actually quite happy. i have amazing, loving, and supportive friends who have kept me lifted these past few months. they're there reminding me that there is a light at the end of this dark path.
school is actually in sight now after so long being just out of my reach. my resolution to never make the same mistake twice is holding strong. after years of denying myself the future i deserve, i'm taking the steps to make it the best future possible. letting myself be whole again after so long of pretending that i didn't feel. letting go of the past that weighs so heavily on my heart...
finally, i will be free.
I'm proud of you girl no matter what your choices are in life!!! I may have bought a house when I was 19, held a steady good paying respectable job for the past 5+ years and live the life of a married woman due to being in a relationship for 6+ years and basically having 2 kids (my pups), but I envy you. I envy you because of your freedom. You've gone more places and done more things in the past couple years than damn near everyone I know combine. I would love to say I've been to Europe, or went on a cruise for 2 month's or went on several road trips with my girlfriends... but I can't... It's been my responsibilities and small minded hobbies and interest that have kept me bound. You have kept very close relationships with the people around you, and even the people who don't take (or have) the opportunity to be around you every day, like me, still feel as close as ever in their hearts. You make a big impact on people's lives. I wouldn't call you young and naive or irresponsible. I would say that you're living your life. Who says you have to have kids and get married in your 20's?!? Sure it seems to be the popular thing to do and I'm sure I'll even fall for it, but be proud that you're one of the few that take advantage of your youth! School will always be there for you to take advantage of (not that I recommend leaving it until you're in your 40's) boys will always be there.... I'm just saying live YOUR life the way YOU want to. Not the way that you think you need to because everyone else does. Enjoy it and be happy about what you HAVE done, not what you HAVEN'T. I bet if you asked any one of your married friends with kids and a house if they envy your lifestyle, they'd say "absolutely." You have your whole life to grow up and act old. Don't be ashamed that you've been soaking it up a little more than most. I love you girl and think you are an amazing person no matter what you do with your life. Call me anytime <3
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